Hi Guys, I’m Coach Mimi here In The Good Guy Corner.
Do you wanna have less frustration?
Well that’s what I’m going to help you with today.
I want to start by asking you, “How often are you frustrated?” Most of us feel frustrated a lot more than we’d like to. And it feels terrible to be frustrated.
So think about an average day…what are the times where you’re most frustrated? Or maybe…what are the relationships that are most frustrating for you? Why? What are you so frustrated?
I want to first talk through some examples and then I’ll help you cut it in half, alright? So here are some examples
John is most frustrated by other drivers on the road. People who don’t drive the way they should. John is often thinking, “They shouldn’t have gone so slow, they shouldn’t have gone so fast, they should have gotten out of the way, they just should have obeyed the law!” Other drivers can provide lots of opportunities to be frustrated. Can you relate to that?
Tyler is the second example and his frustration is mostly about his team members at work. “They should have responded to my email by now, they should have met their deadlines, they shouldn’t have asked so many questions. They should have worked faster.” Maybe you’ve got some similar frustrations with people you work with.
And probably what I see the most, is frustration about family members. “My kids shouldn’t have made such a mess. They should have obeyed me the first time. My parents shouldn’t have given me such a hard time. My wife shouldn’t have spent so much money. My brother should have been happy to help out, afterall, I help him all the time.” and these experiences with family members go on and on, right? Family relationships can provide endless opportunities to be frustrated.
So why is it so frustrating? We’re about to get a lot more clear with 3 points I want to make, here.
The first point I want to highlight is that whenever we’re feeling frustrated we’ve got sentences in our mind that include the words “should have” or “shouldn’t have”. Did you notice that in the examples I shared? You likely didn’t, because they just sound so true that we don’t even notice them. But let’s go back to some of those… “other drivers shouldn’t have gone so slow, they should have gotten out of the way” “my co-workers should have met their deadlines, they shouldn’t have asked so many questions” “The kids should have obeyed me the first time. She shouldn’t have spent so much money.” Notice that all of these examples include the words, “should have or shouldn’t have.” kinda crazy, huh?
So I want you to start looking for those sentences. When you’re frustrated, what are you believing “should have or shouldn’t have” happened? Put a spotlight on those sentences. When you’re aware of them you have a lot more power to do something other than feel frustrated…and we’ll come back to that in a minute.
The second thing I want to show you has to do with the invisible lens we talked about last week in episode 30. Remember that lens… that’s based on your past experiences and your priorities? Go back and listen to that episode if you missed it. That invisible lens, that you have, really matters here when you’re frustrated, because those should haves and shouldn’t haves are likely all there because of your lens…because of how you view the world. And they likely come from a good place in you…your values…how you want to act…how you believe in showing up in the world. So it’s not bad that we have these expectations, I’m not trying to tell you to stop caring about these things…so don’t misunderstand me here, alright? I’m just showing you that when we have these expectations about how something should have gone but yet it didn’t go that way, that’s when we end up feeling frustrated.
And this brings me to the third point I want to show you…which will bring this all together… And it is that when we’re thinking things should have gone one way…the way that makes sense from our lens…and yet they didn’t go that way… we’re frustrated because we’re essentially fighting a battle with the past. And it’s a battle that we can not win because we can’t change the past.
Really notice this…frustration is almost always about something that already happened that we want to have NOT happened. Frustration is a fight with the past. It would be great if we could rewind and change the past, but we can’t. Without this awareness that I’m sharing with you, our default is to continue being frustrated and subconsciously expecting the past to change.
Since that doesn’t work, here’s the real solution here…to cut the frustration in half…do these 3 steps:
- Identify the “should haves and shouldn’t haves” (get clear about these sentences)
- Realize those sentences are fighting with the past (and that we lose every time we are holding on to those sentences)
- Let the sentences go by switching the focus to answering these two questions about the frustrating situation:
What is in my power here?
How to I want to use that power?
Do this work. Get this awareness. Answer these questions and you’ll find that you will be experiencing a lot less frustration. You’ll be empowered to do what you’re able to and to let go of the things you can not change about the past.
Give it a try. I’ll be here next time In The Good Guy Corner.