Hi Guys, I’m Coach Mimi here with some more help for your relationships…especially those times when you struggle with other people in your life.
Last week I introduced the powerful F-TEAR Formula and today I want to describe how it works in your relationships. You’ve got all kinds of relationships and this tool works for all of them; your struggles with co-workers, your children, siblings, and of course, your wife.
Every interaction you have can be broken down into this formual. So, whenever you find yourself baffled by someone’s behavior or you’re thinking, “Why in the world did she do that?“ Or “What the heck just happened?” This formula will help you answer that.
I want to use an example from my client Thomas, to put this into practice, OK? Thomas had a credit card bill with a $200 charge that he couldn’t identify. He thought it might be fraudulent but decided to ask his wife, Robin, first. So he said, “Hey do you know what this $200 charge is?” The next thing he knew, they ended up in a big fight because she had accused him of not trusting her.
From Thomas’ perspective he was simply asking a basic question and there was no reason for her to react like that and for sure he did not deserve to be treated this way. I bet you can relate to something like this, right? where you were anticipating a simple answer and then just can’t make sense of what actually happened.
So let’s use this formula to get more understanding, OK? We’ll actually create two F-TEAR formulas, one for Thomas and one for his wife and we’ll get clear about how the two formulas interact in relationships. This will be easiest for you to follow if you get out a piece of paper and write it out as you’re listening.
Let’s start with facts in his wife’s formula. Thomas said, “Hey do you know what this $200 charge is?” So we put that in the first line, the F-line.
Once he said that, Robin added her thoughts to it. And, depending on what was going on for her, and depending on past interactions about money, she could have had a lot of different thoughts. This is where that mighty, invisible lens comes into play. If you didn’t hear that episode, go back and listen to it. It’s Episode 30.
Now we don’t know exactly what she was thinking, but she did give a context clue when she yelled, “You don’t trust me!” So let’s put that in the T-line and her Energy was angry, so put that on the E-line.
Next, on the Action line we can put, she yelled “You don’t trust me.” (there were other actions, but let’s keep it simple here)
For the Result, I put a few: She creates disconnection, She makes it hard for him to want to trust her.
So that’s our first formula. The main thing to keep in mind here, with this formula, is that her Actions came from what she was thinking. And most of the time we don’t know what that is…we just see or hear something from the other person’s Action-line in their formula and it often doesn’t line up with how we were expecting them to act. And we’re a bit blindsided by how they acted because we’re not taking into account their thoughts.
Thoughts are powerful. They generally aren’t true, as we see in this case, It wasn’t true that he didn’t trust her, but the thoughts are powerful when we believe them and don’t question them.
So now let’s look at Thomas’ formula. The Action from Robin’s formula is now a Fact in his. And this is an important part to know, as you use the formula yourself. The other person’s A-line then becomes your Fact-line. In other words, whatever the other person said or did is now a Fact for you. And remember, when we’re quoting what other people said, it’s just a fact that they said it, not that what they said is true.
So here in Thomas’ formula we have:
Fact: wife yelled, “You don’t trust me!”
And then his Thought: She’s completely unreasonable
Energy: defensive
Action: react, yell back, defend himself, try to convince her she’s wrong
Result: He doesn’t act reasonably either and is not being the partner he wants to be. AND he also didn’t get a clear answer to his original question.
So here again, we see how powerful a thought can be. Each of their formulas played out as they did because of what Thomas and Robin were each thinking.
Now I could say a lot more about these specific formulas but for the purpose of this episode, I’m simply using this as an example to show you how formulas intersect in relationships.
So again, what one person says or does, shows up in their own formula as an Action and then the Action become the other person’s Fact-line and then they add their thoughts, energy and actions to it. Then those Actions become Facts in the next formula and it goes back and forth like this.
And this is how so many problems happen in relationships. We are given facts that have everything to do with how the other person was thinking and feeling and acting and then we view it through our own invisible lens and then add our own thoughts; our own assumptions or exaggerations and that’s what creates the rest of our formula and ultimately the results we have in our lives.
So I really want to encourage you to utilize this formula to get clear about the interactions that are happening in your life. Awareness is the first step to changing things for the better and this formula is a tool for awareness. Once you become more aware of what you’re thinking and what it’s creating in your life, you’re more prepared to change your thinking in ways that are going to be more useful for you than the old, default thinking has been.
So use this formula. Fill out one or two each day and start to see how powerful this awareness can be. I’m Coach Mimi and I’ll be here next time IN The Good Guy Corner.