All right guys I want you to be a little more realistic about implementing the tools I’m teaching here, OK? I see too many people who learn something here and feel like they get it, the new awareness clicks with them and they’re like, “Yeah, that makes sense, I’m going to do that next time. That’s going to help.”
Like a guy I’ll call John, who wanted to stop being so defensive and reactive about everything his wife said. He learned about The Mighty Invisible Lens from episode 30 and decided, OK, I’m going to remember this. My wife simply does NOT have the same lens I have and that doesn’t make me wrong. So when she has a different opinion than me, I can just remember, “Oh, she sees this through her lens, not mine, and I can be curious about how she’s seeing this. I can drop my defensive reactions and ask her questions instead.”
So he was pretty clear about that…And then guess what happened? The next 5 or 6 opportunities he had to implement this new perspective, this new relationship skill, he completely forgot and defaulted back to his old, original pattern of being defensive and dismissing what his wife had to say. And they both escalated things the way they usually did and created the usual distance from each other.
It wasn’t until later that John remembered, “Oh dang! I totally forgot about her having a different lens that I could be curious about, I’m gonna do that next time.” But when next time came he still got defensive the same old way, the same old pattern, only this time, when he remembered after the fact, he started beating himself up for not remembering. And this pattern continued until by the 5th or 6th time he basically gave in to believing, “It’s hopeless, It’ll never work, This is impossible.” And he just chalked it all up to her being too difficult.”
So this is the pattern I see so often and want to help you with, ok. So listen up. There are 3 levels of implementation when you’ve learned a new skill.
In Level 1 we completely forget about the new skill and follow the same old pattern of interaction that creates the same old mess. And we remember about the new skill AFTER. Just like we saw with John. But what John didn’t realize is how normal it is to stay at Level 1 for multiple times. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong when we completely forget and don’t remember until after. Staying at Level 1 is normal.
In Level 2 we also start down the same old road of interaction; the same pattern, but we remember somewhere in the middle, “Oh wait, there’s that other option, I can change this. I remember now that she has her own lens that I can be curious about.” and then we can switch our stance and shift how we show up. In Level 2 we change our interactions part way through. We leave the old pattern and start to create a better one. And it’s also normal for this level to take multiple times before moving to Level 3.
In Level 3 we remember at the beginning and do things differently right from the beginning. We don’t even start down the old pattern.
But here’s the whole key guys; the whole key to all of this is letting yourself practice without giving up. It’s completely normal to experience these different levels multiple times. Let yourself be a beginner. Don’t be mean to yourself or give up in frustration when it takes time.
Just like any skill, these relationship skills need practice. If you have realistic expectations, by being aware of these levels of implementation then you’re going to have a much easier time and be able to stick with it so that your relationship can benefit; so that you show up in a more intentional way, as the person you’re wanting to be in your relationship, rather than continuing the old default ways that don’t work.
So again, here are those levels
Level 1: You completely forget about the new skill and go through the same old pattern and remember the new skill at the end.
Level 2: You start to remember somewhere in the middle and can change course at that point. You can even say out loud, “Oh wait. I want to change this. I learned a better way and just remembered.”
Level 3: you remember at the beginning. In the moment when your wife shares an opinion that is different than yours you remember it’s because she has a different lens and that you can be curious and ask questions rather than be defensive.
And that, my friends, is what changes things. But you’ve got to get through Levels 1 and 2 in order to get there and it takes repetition, practice and not giving up.
Alright guys, that’s what I have for now. I’ll be here next time In The Good Guy Corner.