Hi Guys, Coach Mimi here. Thanks for joining me.
I want to tell you that today I was trying to comment on a LinkedIn post and just as I started, my phone went completely blank and I found myself kicked out of LinkedIn. It was so weird. My battery wasn’t low, nothing was wrong, nothing had happened except that I pushed the comment button.
Anyway, I opened up LinkedIn again and tried my best to find that post so I could add my comment, because I believe it was a valuable one. But that post was nowhere to be found. So, instead, I decided to create this episode for you. I’ll share with you what I was going to say to that guy.
So let me tell you first that his post was very sincere. He was struggling with his home life and asking others for advice. I respected his vulnerability. His post said something like, “How do you handle it when you know you should do things after work, like play with the kids, do work around the house, help the neighbors, but you're just so tired. How do you manage this?”
I scanned the comments to see he was getting lots of answers from other sincere people but as I read their answers, I found they were all some version of how to make yourself push through, and make yourself do it even when you don’t want to.
For sure this method of pushing yourself works… for a while… but there is a better way. And I want to show it to you.
I see it differently because this method the other people were suggesting, this method of pushing and forcing oneself to just do it, has been the pattern of most of my clients, and it eventually leads to resentment and dread and burnout. The advice this guy was being given can get him through some days, weeks, months maybe but it isn’t something that’s sustainable long-term. And this is what matters in the long run.
When my clients are struggling with this; with trying to make themselves do things, I help them see that this is really an issue about empowerment. It’s a question of how empowered they feel. Which is usually pretty low in these situations, right? When you’re thinking I should do this and I should do that; you just don’t feel very empowered.
So then I show them how to increase their level of power first… before they take action, rather than make themselves take action from depleted power. Doing things with better energy, better emotional energy makes a world of difference.
So here’s how to increase your power. There are 4 steps.
1 The first step is to find the “I-should” thoughts.
What are some of yours?
- I should play a game with the kids
- I should fix that broken chair
- I should help the neighbor
Notice that they all begin with “I should.” I-should’s don’t feel good. Have you noticed? They’re heavy, they feel like a burden, they’re draggy. Most importantly they decrease your power level.
Remember, from earlier episodes, your actions are fueled by your emotional energy; how you feel. Your emotional energy fuel, if you will.
It just makes sense that when your fuel is low then you don’t want to do those things. It’s just hard with low power.
So that’s step 1. Find those I-should’s.
Step 2: Change that word “should” to a could. So instead of “I should” it becomes “I could” but now here’s the most important part.
Step 3: Add a productive question. Don’t just tell yourself “I could” but add a productive question to it.
And Step 4 is to answer the question.
So here’s how that shift looks. Going back to those earlier examples…
“I should play a game with my kids.” Becomes, “I could play a game with my kids, why do I want to?”
Notice that the question, “Why do I want to?” invites the answers to come in. I want to because that’s the kind of dad I want to be. I want to laugh with them and spend quality time with them. I want to make good memories with them and help them feel loved.
See how that just instantly feels so much more empowering than “I should play with my kids.”
Let’s do one more.. “I should help the neighbor.”
That becomes “I could help the neighbor.” and then remember to add a productive question like, What is the cost in terms of time and effort? Am I able and willing to pay that cost today?
Answering those questions gives you the clarity and power that “I should help” just doesn’t. See how powerful that is?
So back to my LinkedIn guy. He was asking for help with a very valid struggle. Many, many people are miserable because of the I-shoulds. And the problem is that most of our I-shoulds are things that we truly value. We DO value doing those good things.
The key is to be in a place of empowerment to do them. So one more time, here are those 4 steps:
Step 1: identify the I-shoulds
Step 2: change them to “I could”
Step 3: add a productive question to answer.
Step 4: answer the question.
Go do it, guys. Get your power back.
I’m coach Mimi and I’ll be here next time In The Good Guy Corner.