33. The Basketball Problem

Tune in to this episode to help put relationship issues into a perspective that's useful.  
Learn the 4 steps when you're fixated on an issue that seems unsolvable.

For more help from Coach Mimi visit the website: thegoodguycorner.com

Transcript

Hi Guys, I’m Coach Mimi.  Thanks for being here with me In The Good Guy Corner.

Today we’re going to talk about basketball. Are you a basketball fan? Well, we’re not really discussing the game of basketball but rather the ball itself.  

How big is a standard basketball? I know there are lots of different sizes of basketballs for different ages and stuff, but for a standard NBA basketball, which I learned is Size 7, fun fact… I looked it up and found that it measures a little less than 30 inches all the way around. 

So imagine a standard basketball…We’ve all seen them, right?   Well I want you to really think about that size.  If it were on your floor, or on your couch, it wouldn’t take up a lot of space, would it?   It’s not very big.  You couldn’t use it to hide behind. Actually you can see around the ball quite well and it wouldn’t really be able to hide very much, would it?  

Now, think about the size of that basketball within the scope of your entire room. Now think of it in relation to your neighborhood or your city. Notice how the basketball gets more and more tiny as we zoom out to bigger parameters. Basketballs are pretty small indeed, right?

Now…I want to go to the opposite extreme  Rather than zooming out, I want you to zoom way in.  I want you to imagine holding that basketball right in front of your face.  As if you’re holding it right up to your nose, touching your nose.  How big does that basketball seem now?  It’s still the same size and yet it covers your entire view. It’s all you can see. Unless you’ve got super great peripheral vision, you likely can’t see anything other than the basketball.  You can’t see the rest of the room you’re in.  You can’t see the landscape around you, if you’re outside.  You can’t see anything.  That ball that seemed so tiny in comparison to the neighborhood is now so big that you can’t see anything else.  

Now let’s take that image/ that concept and apply it to what our brain does in our relationships.  When we’ve got a complaint about someone; when we’re upset about something they did; when we’re angry or frustrated… that’s all we can see.  Our brain brings it right up close…just like the basketball touching our nose…this thing that we’re upset about becomes this great big thing and it’s all we can see.  

When we’re fixated on something, it’s just like the basketball we’re holding right in front of our face.  It covers up everything.  We can’t see the options; we can’t see the solutions, All we can see is the problem.

When it’s all you’re looking at it’s right in front of your face and you can’t see anything else. 

So here’s what I want to encourage you to do:  There are 4 steps here.

1. Identify something in your relationship or your life that’s bothering you.  Something that seems big. Get specific. Don’t say, “everything”
2. Notice how big that thing, that problem seems when it’s what you’re focused on; and notice that you can’t see any solutions when it’s right in front of your face.
3. Get some distance and some perspective by imagining that problem as a basketball in front of your face.  WHen it’s up close, it’s huge and you can’t see around it. Change the perspective as you imagine bringing it away from your face and setting it on the couch, or the table. There it is…it’s still here…but it’s not all consuming.  You can now see that there are other things around it. Other parts of the story…other perspectives. You get a little bit of distance so that you can see more clearly.
4. Decide intentionally what you want to do with it.  Notice what’s in your power and what’s not. Decide if it’s something you want to bring to the other person.  Maybe it is.  Maybe it does need to be addressed.  This message here, this episode is not about dismissing things that really do need addressing.  This message is about getting it in a more useful perspective so that you can find the options and the solutions. 

The point here is that when we’re fixated and ruminating about an issue, it’s all we see and, just like the basketball, it’s likely appearing bigger than it actually is.  We need to get it into a better perspective in order to deal with it in a useful way.

Ok…go try it. Notice those basketball issues in front of your face.  See how you can shift your perspective about them into something useful.

I’m Coach Mimi and I’ll be here next time In The Good Guy Corner.