In the Good Guy Corner
Help for the committed but silently suffering. Are you a someone who does a lot of good, yet life is a bigger struggle than you'd like it to be? Do you ever feel discouraged, frustrated, or burned out?
Do you sometimes even feel resentful towards the people you love most, and then maybe you beat yourself up for that?
Do you know you're a good guy at heart, but life is harder than you'd like it to be?
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In the Good Guy Corner
43. Suffering With Competing Wants
When you're doing something that you don't want to be doing you're creating suffering for yourself. I call these Competing Wants: on one hand you DO want to and on the other hand you DON'T.
Get clear about what's actually happening here and learn 4 steps to stop being miserable about all the things you don't want to do.
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Hi Guys, I’m Coach Mimi and today In The Good Guy Corner we’re talking about a concept that I call competing wants. It’s where you are faced with a decision to make or a task to do and on one hand you don’t want to do it but on the other hand you do and you are going to do it. You know you are going to do it, but you keep your focus on how much you don’t want to. So let’s look closer at this ok? Because it’s creating a lot of internal conflict and unnecessary suffering when we do that.
So think about something in your life that you’re doing but you’re telling yourself that you don’t want to be doing it. Maybe it’s something about your job, or certain aspects of your job. Maybe it’s some kind of help or service you’re providing to somebody. Maybe it’s something about a responsibility at home or something your wife asked you to do.
I’m going to use a personal example of cooking dinner, here, ok, because I used to really enjoy cooking but now I kinda wish dinner wasn’t even a thing. So, if I’m cooking dinner but telling myself how much I don’t want to be doing it, I’m going to be making it a lot harder on myself. And it’s going to be miserable for me.
So identify something like that in your life where you have a task that you know you are going to do but you keep telling yourself how much you don’t want to do it.
Now, what I want to show you here, is that when it comes right down to it, you actually DO want to do it more than you don’t. Even if you have strong reasons for not wanting to do it, you have even stronger reasons for doing it. So going back to making dinner. No matter how much I don’t want to do it, if I am going to cook dinner it means I want to more than I don’t want to.
This is why I call it competing wants. I don’t want to and I do want to compete against each other. It’s true that I don’t want to and it’s also true that I do want to. The one that I am actually going to do, is the winner of the competition… because there ended up being more reasons or stronger reasons for doing it than for not doing it.
So, that being the case, If I’m going to make dinner it’s because I do have lots of reasons why I want to make dinner, and they actually come from my values and from a higher part of myself than all the reasons why I don’t. Yet if I’m focused on the reasons I don’t want to do it, it’s like I put a spotlight there and that’s all I see and I’m going to completely overlook all the good reasons that have for making dinner and fool myself into thinking that I really don’t want to do it.
See how this creates conflict and suffering that is completely unnecessary? Where is this happening in your life? What are you doing that you’re telling yourself you don’t want to do?
Here’s what to do instead.
- Identify those competing wants in your life where on one hand you don’t want to but on the other hand you do.
- Acknowledge that there are reasons for NOT wanting to. That’s real, don’t just dismiss that, but also don’t focus on it.
- Get clear about all the reasons you DO want to do it. Why are those more important to you? Own those.
- Keep your focus on why you ARE doing it rather than why you don’t want to.
Alright guys, that’s what I have for you today. Use these 4 steps to stop suffering with these competing wants, ok. I’ll be here next time with you In The Good Guy Corner.