54. How to Decode What Your Wife Really Wants and STOP the Guessing Game

You know those times when your wife agrees to something but you're not entirely sure if she's all-in?  Well we're going to put an end to that today with an easy to use tool.  Using this tool will give you the clarity so that there's no more driving yourself crazy with the guessing game.  

For more help from Coach Mimi visit the website: thegoodguycorner.com

Transcript

Hi guys, Coach Mimi here.  Today we're diving into something we've all grappled with in our relationships. You know those times when your wife says yes to something, but you're not entirely sure if she’s all-in? It's kind of like she gives you a yes with a side of hesitation, right?

I want you to recall some times this has happened to you, where you're with your wife, trying to decide something like… where to go for dinner, what movie to watch, or even whether or not to have sex. You might make a suggestion and then your wife agrees, but… deep down you're like, "Hmm, does she really want this, or is she just trying to keep the peace? It doesn’t feel like she’s all-in."
If this sounds familiar you're not alone. These moments happen often in most relationships, especially when you’re trying to be polite and agreeable and not just be honest about your opinions. Polite and agreeable seem like good a good idea but in situations like these polite and agreeable likely leaves you feeling unsure and distant. 

So, how do we decode these situations? How do we get to the truth? How can we tell if our spouse genuinely wants something or not? And… what about those times when you are the one going along with a suggestion, even when you're not totally on board? How do you communicatethat more clearly about that with her?

Well, today, I'm bringing you a nifty little tool that's going to put an end to this guessing game and make sure your communication is a lot more clear. I call it the "Negative 5 to Positive 5 Scale."

So imagine a number line that goes from negative -5 on the left side, Zero in the middle and positive 5 on the right.  Got that? Kinda takes you back to gradeschool, right?  Now there’s an important question that goes with this scale and here it is: “What number on this scale, -5 to +5, matches your interest or your desire in this suggested activity?” 

Zero, of course, is neutral, meaning you really don’t care one way or the other about the idea. You don’t desire the activity but you also don’t desire not to do the activity.  Got that?

The positive numbers indicate that you do have some interest in it, 1 means you only want to a tiny bit, but there is some desire, and 5 means  "Yes! Absolutely! and this is something that’s super important to me so if you don’t join me in it you’d better have a really good reason! "  That’s pretty clear, right?  A positive 5 is really important.

The negative numbers indicate that your desire is to not do it.  Negative 1 means, Eh I’d rather not and  negative 5? Well, that's a strong "No way, I totally do not want to do that, and if you pressure me into it I’ll be upset and likely resent you for it.”

So where can you see this helping you get some clarity in your relationship? Where has it really been bothering you that you’re not sure how honest your wife has been about some things?  Use this scale.  Use it with your next decision to make together.

Now, some of you might have used a 1-10 scale, which is where this originated.  When my husband and I were struggling with this lack of clarity, someone told us, “Hey, if you want to know how they really feel, ask them to identify how much they want something by giving it a number 1-10 and then you’ll know.”  That was helpful to a degree, but the problem with that was it didn’t have a way to indicate how much you don’t want what’s being suggested. This is so much better. It really clarifies your reality.

So, once you have the numbers, then what?  Well, it depends on what the numbers are and it totally depends on the situation. If either you or your spouse are a +5 or -5 you’d better have a really good reason for not going along with their desire.  Not in resentful way, but because you care about your partner and therefore what’s important to them matters to you.  AND…there are also times when you do have a reason not to comply with their wishes.  Just because it’s a positive 5 for them doesn’t mean you comply at any cost.  This is a perfect opportunity to share what’s true for you and be known.  That might be uncomfortable but it’s necessary for real connection in marriage.  

The overall benefit to using this scale is that now you know the truth.  You know with much more accuracy what you’re actually dealing with, so that alone is going to cut out the guessing and the distant politeness that creates disconnection.

Now, don't get me wrong; I'm not saying you should whip out this scale every time there’s a decision to be made. That would be a bit much! But when you need that extra clarity on what your partner truly wants or when you want to be transparent about your own feelings, this tool can be a game-changer.
It leads to more openness and honesty in your relationship, and that's always a win.

So, next time you find yourselves in one of those "Is she really into this or just pretending?" moments, remember the Negative 5 to Positive 5 Scale. It's like a secret decoder for your relationship, helping you understand each other so you can feel more connected. 

Alright guys. That’s what I have for you today.  Put this new tool to work and I’ll be here next time In The Good Guy Corner.